Don't know if i can bring myself to write about last night with Andrea. I can't believe I'm being such an idiot. Why can't I just learn to say no? This is the thing. Last night he displayed even MORE baddness than I had previously imagined. There's something a bit too destructive with him, he doesn't know when to stop. But I'm still afraid that I'll not be able to say no again. I'm almost ashamed to write about what happened. What is wrong with me? Ooof. Teaching him later. Fear.

Had hideous alcohol/substance induced nightmares last night and woke up in a panic this morning thinking about all the things i should have done and haven't. Gotta go do stuff.

Christ, I am full of self loathing today.

Yesterday evening was the first time Andrea didn't turn up to a lesson. I have taught him twice a week for two months and he has always always turned up. Humm.

I spose i should explain a bit of the baddness of sunday night. Ok, well, just to start you off on the idea of how bad we're talking here you can include in a much more extensive list: driving while pissed, driving while under the influence of other stuff, turning up to meet me off his head... i thought at that point i could either get pissy and march off or attempt to get in as much of a similar state as him as possible... probably not the best choice but i opted for the latter. Later... well... not sure i wanna get too sexually explicit on here. People never really seem to on their blogs, do they? Unless they're messing around. Dunno how to explain. But this boy does EVERYTHING: boys, girls, 3s, 4s... absolutely everything... he's done all that and he's only 21. I spose that's not really that evil, but i'm trying to give you an idea of what he's like without actually saying what happened. Ooof, don't think i can. Anyway. Right, offski. STuff to do.

Sposed to be teaching him tomoz as well. Wonder if he'll turn up.

Nein danke. Just got an error message in my most hated of hated ugliest in the world languages here on 20six. NOT keen.

Anyway. I am running v v low on internet credit so gonna make this brief.

There's this girl in one of my classes. She is the archetypal GEEK. She's early twenties, not attractive, but neatly turned out, she has an unfortunate cheek-blushing problem and this short curly hair that looks like it would be better on a 15th century painting of a cherub. The class she's in is just four people, all women, of which she is the youngest. Anyway. She's a geek, a swot, she doesn't go out, she doesn't have a life. Asking her to tell me (past simple) what she did at the weekend was a BAD idea. She stayed in. She read a book. Daily routine (practise of the present tense). BAD idea also. She is cinder-fuckin-rella. Her routine involves getting up, cleaning the house, setting the table, making her bed, her parent's bed, tidying up after her entire family. This girl is a VICTIM. When I asked her about her favourite music, she would NOT tell me. She just wouldn't. There was no way of weasling it out of her in front of the class. Reason being, I discovered later, that she got bullied at school because of her musical tastes. She likes Jim Morrison. Fuck off, she did NOT get bullied for her musical taste. She got bullied cos she's one of those people who attracts that kind of behaviour from people. Even in this class of grown up women, I see her getting picked on. Not like i imagine she did at school, in a much more subtle way, but still, they're taking the piss out of her. Her classmates are not horrible people, in fact I think they're all quite nice, but there is something in this girl which attracts this kind of attitude.   

Which leads me to the conclusion that because i don't think Andrea is a horrible person, I am responsible for how he has behaved towards me. And not just him, but people generally. (i'm having a little introspective reflective moment here, soz). It's not like I'm a victim, but I'm doing something, or behaving in some way that makes people think that they can behave towards me in a certain way, and they do. Hmmm. Does that sound like nonsense? Sorry, I'm crap at explaining myself sometimes. And there are other examples, I'm just not sure i feel like typing them down at the moment. I'm still not entirely sure who's reading this.

Wrote this last night. Wasn't in the best of moods. Might not leave this here for long. Not sure I want to be reminded about what murky depths my moods can reach. I'd be astounded if anyone actually makes it to the end in any case.

Uf. Boy called date off. Said he’d gone skiing and decided to stay in the mountains for another night. So not down with the nature of his text message. That one’s gonna get left well alone. I am so over this. I’m bored. Fed up. This is the thing being away from home. You can have mood swings when you’re in the place you’re from, but when you’re far away without your usual network of friends (even if they are, infact SHIT), it seems to affect your mood a lot more. I’m feeling quite miserable at the moment. fficeffice" />

Thing is, I don’t think you can come abroad, set up your life and expect to instantly, or even after a while, to make really good, close friends. It’s all pretty much down to luck methinks. And the sort of person you are as well. Here’s the thing, or one side of this many-nuanced thing. I mentioned Polly and Rosie before. I’ve done something that I’m guilty of doing so many times. I get on with Rosie better than anyone else I’ve met here. She’s not totally entirely and completely on my wavelength, but  I have more shared interests with her than I do with anyone else I’ve met. So, I kinda quit bothering with anyone else. I spose normally if I hadn’t have happened to have moved into a house where she was living I would most probably have made more of an effort with other people. But to be honest, I’d rather not. People not on my wavelength or not even close to it frequently tend to annoy me quite a lot. Not the most tolerant of beings, me. Anyway. Rosie has made a new pal in Polly. S’all good, but  I guess I just keep feeling like I’m being left out from the Hilton sisters duo thing going on.  And I also sometimes get the feeling that I’m irritating them. Which is not nice.

But, going back to the fact that I’m away from home and so possibly these things are more difficult here… I know for a FACT it was just this bad when I was in ffice:smarttags" />London and I’ve forgotton. Pretty much everyone I know or care about in my life had started being the flakiest of flakes cos of their careers and more importantly the boy/girlfriends. I think this was what brought on my ‘a boyfriend is a necessity’ crisis when I was writing at la_dolce_vita. I’d just got to the point in London where I was SICK of people letting me down, and basically, yeah, just not being as arsed about me as I was about them. Does that make me sound too needy? Too demanding? Like a sad fucking case? You know, so what. I don’t care what I sound like. This blog is sposed to be a sounding board for all this stuff. (reason I didn’t want real life peoples reading it). It’s like… maybe an actual boyfriend was the thing that was missing? Just one single human being who’d put me first. I’ve just been let down so many times, which is what I mentioned the other day about attracting the kind of behaviour I was getting from Andrea.  It’s not just in the department of boys that I get that, it’s in my friendships, and mostly in my friendships. And I’m afraid, I just think that there’s something about me, something that is annoying or too demanding or I don’t fucking have a clue what, but whatever it is that I do, people seem just to not be bothered with me… I don’t know what it is. But I know that it’s there.

I compare myself to my ex-best friend in scenarios like this. I never really wrote about what happened with him, did I? I know I’ve mentioned it. It’s kind of something that is just too harsh for me to write about. I’m afraid of writing it and putting myself through thinking about all those things again.

I think a lot of people have a relationship in their lives, often when they’re just starting out in the whole business of sex and relationships that has a huge effect on them -  on future relationships, on self-perception, on how they turn out as a person. J, the ex-bestfriend was this relationship for me. Course, me being attracted to bad luck from day one in the field of boys, J was gay. This wasn’t some kind of cutesy ‘gay-best-friend’ thing as pimped out as a concept on the likes of Sex and the City and all that chick lit stuff… it wasn’t just a crush on someone who was unavailable. It was quite distinctly more than that.

I think mine and J’s relationship (I always refer to it as a relationship and not a friendship I recently noticed – kind of telling methinks) was just the most hugely intense, often destructive, frequently a bit of a mind-fuck of a friendship/relationship ever. We loved each other to extremes, and seemed to hurt each other just as much.

When I was in London I was living with a woman training to be a psychologist. She was good. Going home in the evening after a bad day was like getting free therapy. I never even realized that our evening chats were more like therapy than normal house-mate banter till well after I moved out. Maybe why I started needing to write this. She listened to me talk a lot about J. One of the things she said to me was that for some reason, very close girl-gayboy friendships often seem to mimic girlfriend-boyfriend type relationships, or take on some of their aspects. I think this is what happened with me and J initially.

He hadn’t yet come out when we first became friends. Everyone still thought he was straight. He came out to another of his close friends about the time me and him first got to know each other. I went around wishing, hoping for about a year, that he would kiss me, just once. He said later on that he didn’t come out to me because he knew how I felt about him and he was worried how I’d deal with his sexuality, that I'd be hurt, or whatever. The more malicious part of me, and everyone who I’ve ever told the story to who has met J (but isn't friends with him, I should add) has said the reason is more likely to have been that he was enjoying the attention he was getting from me. Whatever it was, that, and the way our friendship carried on for the next eight years has had an enormous effect on so many things about me.

Like, the other night, after I’d taught Andrea, I was feeling icky – really crap. I called up Rosie who was with Polly to find out what they were up to.  Needed alcoholic style relaxation aid. They were in some bar I didn’t know, in a bit of a weird place to get to.  The directions Rosie gave me were hopeless… I just felt like she couldn’t be arsed to make an effort to concentrate long enough to explain to me where they were. When I got lost I called and noone picked up. One of them didn’t have reception. She didn’t bother to go outside and call me when I didn’t turn up after a far longer time than it took to get there. I was so upset after the Andrea lesson and so frustrated at being lost when I knew the bar was nearby, and I felt angry because I felt as if they didn’t particularly want me to find them. If I had been the crying type, I would have cried at that point, but I’m not, so I just got angry and thought how if it had been J that was lost, search parties would have been sent out, phone calls made to check his location, etc etc… he’s just that sort of person – and the sort that I’m not. The sort people invariably seem to want to make an effort for. Me getting lost made me mad, and made me think, what is it about me that makes people so indifferent to me? Why don’t people care?

This is getting way too miserable, introspective and just fucking depressing. I think I’ve made myself sound worse than I actually am. I don’t mean that I want every single last person I meet ever to put me at number 1 in their lives… I don’t want that from people, clearly. Uf, I can’t explain this. I’m gonna stop now. I think it’s safe to say after writing all of this that I don’t ever ever want to meet anyone who’s read it. If anyone has been arsed to read it to the end. (doubt I would’ve)

I’m at home at the mo and it’s Wednesday night. Have no internet connection here so have sneakily used my flatmate’s puta to type this. I just need to expel it from my head. It’s been milling round in there for quite a wee while now. The fear of people known to me reading this stopped me writing it down. But, you know what, fuck it – if they are reading this and you do know me in real life then they should know better. Nosey fucks. Yes YOU! And I never ever want to speak to you ever, ever again. Wonder if I’ll actually put it on the interweb tomorrow. Maybe not.

in a big way at the moment. Couldn't sleep at all last night so i took to writing all the randomness in my head.

The house I'm living in is bad, I think. I am not coping with either the mingeyness, moodiness or inconsideration of the peoples I'm living with. Yeh. So, that's the first thing. Peoples and house. Bothering me. Lots.

Computer. To buy? Mac or PC? Have no$$ so it will be on credit. Need though.

Feeling bad about never ever ever being in touch with my old boss etc from my former place of work in London since I left. Feel terrible about that. He won't care, he'll just think it's rude  of me. which it is. God, why am i so crap?

What shall I do on Saturday night when I get back to London? My peoples have been ultimately crapola at finding out about anything interesting to do.

How many pandoro / pannetone do I need to bring home for christmas gifts/meals I'm having?

A boy. Being held. Another body in my bed. That softness, warmth, touch, skin... possibly the only thing that'll get me to sleep at the moment.

Andrea. Why the fuck would anyone tell me so many lies, and talk so much bollocks! (which is what he did yesterday when i saw him). So undignified. Or is it?

Scottie. A year ago now. I still have two of his text messages in my phone. I probably shouldn't but I kept them out of fear. It was good with him, really good. I kept them so that the next time I get involved with someone i have that as a measure - ie it has to be that good. I am terrified of becoming a settler. But i read the messages a couple of days ago, and they've just turned into words. The feeling that was behind them is really difficult to remember now.

The dress. Oh, the dress! How much I would wear it! How fabulous it would look!

What on earth am I going to wear over christmas? I have no clothes.

Urgh! I am so un-fash-on! How can I ever contemplate being stylish for a living! Gah!

interstellar 555 something about us... urgh! Love it! I know they're only cartoons but daft punk are so clever and this is so gorgeous!

Spitalfields. Need to visit next sunday. Wonder what people will be wearing/selling.

What will happen if i move out of this house? will i be friends with these people again? am i even really friends with them?

Need to sleep.